To properly deliver certain affirmations

I can't speak of love, because I don't know what it is.
But I can speak of some other things, like how much I care about, cherish, and mentally depend on what we've come across.


I can't speak of love, because I have mixed feelings towards weighty words. And I, like the poet, labor to make them light.
I break those words into sugary pieces, or little jigsaw puzzles, for you to put them back together, to show the whole picture of how I really feel. Unlike those words; those weighty words only bound the expression of feelings, and shackle the philosophical aspects of them, too.


I can't speak of love, because, frankly, I'm not qualified to speak in such terms just yet.
But now I'd like to believe that it's possible, although I was once mockingly convinced otherwise.

To properly put things into perspective

是說，
貓科外星人馴服了一隻熊，
南極的北極熊。




好倪匡的說法。（自己說

To properly analyse a certain strain of commitment issues

就三不五時覺得應該抽腿一下。


或抽手。
或抽身。


I need A LOT of assurances.

To properly analyze a song

因為這首歌，我把Hugh Laurie尊為錯誤結論的始祖（欸

What I mind

我在意的

I don't mind being lonely

我不在意是否寂寞，
I don't mind being poor

也不在意是否貧窮；
What I mind is being misunderstood

我在意的　是被人誤解，
I can't take it anymore

我真的無法忍受。

You may say that I'm a loser

你可以說我一無是處，
I won't say that that ain't true

我不會辯解一分一毫；

But if you say once more that I'm a hoover

但你若再說我是支吸塵器，
Then maybe I'm gonna have to disagree with you

我就必須反駁你了。

Too many times I've been called a garage

數不清我已被認做車庫幾次，
More than once I've been termed a hat

也記不清被叫了幾次帽子；
For more than a year I lived in your pocket

甚至長達一年　我都住在你的口袋裡，
While you thought I was the key to your flat

只因為你將我錯認成你公寓的鑰匙。

Now I'm saying that that's all over

現在是時候結束這一切了
I've got to stand up for what I am

我必須為了自己的存在爭取證明
So from now on I want you to call me

從現在起，請你叫我......
Just call me whenever you can

請你......

無論何時，想到我就呼叫我一聲吧

＊這裡翻成打電話太low了所以我拒絕（咦）

是不是錯誤結論！

但不只錯誤結論，這首歌也道出了定義、界限和Ｍ情結的內涵（喂

關係是怎麼定義的？
定義的錯誤與否會影響情感的程度或重量嗎？
而自我存續與關係存續，其界限在哪裡？
如果為了維繫關係，減滅或犧牲自我或是其他的東西，那算是有多Ｍ呢？

是不是為了維繫關係，自己執著的定義和界限都可以放棄？

全部都是問句。

To properly keep scores and tabs in check

She's probably right, that I'm too much of a handful.

But sometimes I wonder whether it's because that I'm too tough or too fragile.

Too breakable, perhaps.
Why else would someone become too much of a handful, if were not broken into countless pieces?

To properly present an elephant in the room

I don't trust such recognition, or certainty, towards feelings.
Especially the certainty built within a short period of time.
The twisted soul, nor the bi-polar extremes have shown themselves yet. So how do you know how you feel? Isn't it greatly possible that none of the foundations of such feelings are true?

Being simplistic - it is a lifestyle by choice, but some definitive character.

Me avoiding mind games doesn't mean that I don't know how to play them.
Me hating power plays doesn't mean that I don't know how to manipulate.

People are like ogres, like onions, having layers.
Don't ever judge a book by its cover.

To properly understand the things that others understand,

yet I have never been quite able to handle.

How to be an ordinary girl with ordinary reactions towards universal scenarios, for instance.

I can't help wondering, what did I do right this time?

For what it's worth, what did I do wrong last time?

Or have I ever done anything that would have made any difference in such aspects in my life?

For years I have only paid 50% of my attention to the things happening in this world, the reality, because I have to use the other half to create a buffer for the anxieties and fears happening inside. Therefore I can only afford to focus on remaining functional in reality, while failing to process other things.

I didn't really care, as a matter of fact.

Now I still have no idea whether I should start caring or not.

Not that I'm referring myself to Dr. Manhattan, of course.

He said that if you get used to describe irrational feelings with evasive words, one day you'd be unable to feel whatever that you are feeling just because there are no words for it.

Sometimes it's so true.

I cannot feel what I fail to define.

But how do you define something that you cannot feel?

And the anxiety of possibilities are just there to make things worse, crushing my stomach, weighing my shoulders like a haunting ghost.

It's like I'm living in a snowball, disconnected to the outside world, but it's not safe as the way it's supposed to be, because anyone could come and shake my world up side down, ruining my sense of security with paper snow flakes.

I fail to understand.


http://theinterpretor.blogspot.com/2011/01/blog-post.html

Where is the lid?

Hope.
She closed the lid of that box, and it has been entangled with our streaks of thoughts ever since.
In a more geeky way of putting it, it has become the default setting for human minds.

胖子滿身大汗，癱坐在地上。房間的另一頭，站著身穿黑披風的殺手。殺手戴著皮手套，擺弄著榔頭―剛才拿來敲碎胖子的左膝關節的那把。

「聽著，」殺手說，「你越早開口，對我們倆越好。我不用費神把你身上每個關節都敲碎，你也省得哭爹喊娘。」

胖子用被綑住的雙手勉強抹抹額頭。稀疏的灰金色頭髮已被冷汗浸透，一條條黏在眉毛和頭頂之間，他冷哼了一聲。

「你以為我是笨蛋嗎？我不說，你會殺了我；我說了，你還是會殺了我，就算你不動手，他們也會。那麼說不說到底對我有什麼差？」

「差別就在於，」殺手有點不耐煩，「我是專業人士，下手快又準，你再痛也痛不過三秒鐘；但是如果你造成我的麻煩，或是落到他們手上，不只你死得痛苦，你的老婆小孩也逃不掉。說到你的老婆……」殺手意有所指的咂嘴，一邊用眼角觀察胖子的反應。

「不知道呢，若你招了，也許我會看在你老婆孩子的分上，放你一馬。」說到這裡，殺手的語氣變得柔和，輕軟如棉花糖。

但是胖子還是止不住的猛搖頭。「不行，我不能告訴你。我什麼都不能說，說了我就死定了。」

殺手嘴邊的笑意瞬間凝結，提起榔頭一步一步朝胖子走去。兩個字從牙縫中迸出來：「快　說。」

胖子的音調因為焦慮而飆高。

「不，拜託不要啊，我不能說，拜託，不啊啊啊啊啊…」

霎時間，胖子的右膝蓋也成了碎片。

出於疼痛，胖子氣喘如牛，腰帶上方突出的啤酒肚劇烈的起伏著。

殺手扭扭脖子、伸展肩膀，手裡握著一把染血的榔頭。

「夠了沒有？你到底什麼時候才要招？錢到底在哪裡？」

胖子的臉蒼白如紙，雙腿呈現怪異的角度，褲管上有深色汙漬。

「我說過好幾次了，我不能就這樣告訴你……」看到殺手又作勢要舉起榔頭，胖子接著說下去。

「等等，你聽我說！我不能就這樣說出錢在哪裡，但我可以告訴你誰會去拿那筆錢……」　

And did he live?



When something is dead it's dead.
Someone told me to stop thinking of what I've killed.
Killed, spilt, cut off, or let go. All the same.
I suppose the quest for what-ifs and maybes is as tormenting as hope itself.

So where is the lid?
Where is the lid that, when opened, unleashes the manifestation of human strengths and weaknesses?

And it's just a stupid pun.

To properly stare at a folded, wrinkled blank

It seems so hard.

Things were different, easier, less significant.

What changed?

It seems so hard.

Heavy, and hard.

Hardly a fable

難說是不是個寓言。



知道我為什麼幫自己取這個名字？


我討厭輸的感覺。




別把那些瑣碎的挑戰當作試探，
因為連我也不知道自己會做得多絕。
那種執拗根深蒂固，奔流於血液之中，
一旦被挑戰就一點也不想輸。


三不五時被試探一下讓我很不爽。




絕對，絕對不要逼我。




最討厭被試探了，
過去有太多次不愉快的經驗。
如果說身上有任何不可磨滅的創傷，
這就是了。
對於信任的高度不信任，
對於質疑的高度質疑。


就算一切都結束我也不會怎麼樣，
所以不耐煩了厭倦了我是真的會一走了之的。


就我的解讀，
只願意試探就代表不願意付出。
而你願意　或不願意給
我都無所謂。


我不確定自己值不值得，
只知道如果你有所猶疑，
那你就不值得。



難說是不是個寓言，
這些自憐又自我辯解的話
聽聽就罷。

To properly put on a denial of neediness

I hate to be with people who would rather be some place else.

So go on, go do your stuff, I'll sit here, toughening up and pretending to take rejections gracefully.

單純複雜

跨年很開心。

隨性和極限很搭。

我說了好多該說和不該說的話　
也聽了不少。

希望已經把Grumpiness留在去年　
不過我猜它非但沒有質變　還更黏膩地跟上了　
理性而暴怒，
瘋了是吧。

想起了我的驕傲。
在可能和不可能之間　
我能夠要求更少或更多些嗎　

不想開啟什麼偉大康莊的新紀元　
不想斷言改變不改變　
無論時間空間，
我都只是同一個我　

而話無論說活說死都沒有意義。

要是你從一開始就這麼在乎就好了，
羅夏說。
要是我不知道該不該在乎怎麼辦？

五　四　三　二　一　
然後他們轉身就走了，
他們錯過了明天。

我的扭曲和怯懦可以被治療嗎

我的自找麻煩和melodrama可以被治療嗎

To properly accuse someone of false accusation

你是那樣子看我的嗎


我體內有什麼死去了，
和夢境一起

所有辯解
說給誰聽呢

那是我
那不是我

片段而不連續的時空中存繫了一些
我曾經假定它們都很直白的東西

你打翻了那種純粹。

To properly prevent something from happening

Please.

Please stop imagining it to happen, for I'm so torn and worn denying the possibility.

And the more I speak of it the less I believe in myself,

for something that, in the beginning, is much, much further away than a long shot.

Please don't bend the bullet.

Please stop expecting the worst of me.

To properly reach a compromise between existence and mirage

Which occurs first, the existence of a fact or the idea of it?


I tend to sense the emergence of ideas more quickly than others do. In a more common term, I always have a hunch.
I’ve been saying that “it is a gift yet also a curse”, and it’s true. It is the strange, uncertain, mysterious gut feeling that resides in every great, or good, just to seem less arrogant, detective’s gut. You learn to listen to it, when it makes the most trivial yet truthful words echoing in your brain. But you cannot trust it. Because the gut feeling, like the thirst of a drunkard, comes and goes. So in the end you’ve grown to linger from being a paranoid to a prophet dramatically.


With this bi-polar intuition, how does one set facts from delusions? And when one neglects certain ideas, does the non-existence of the ideas consequently cancel the existence of the facts?


I have intentionally neglected the voice of one particular idea in my mind for quite a while, as if the situation itself would fail to exist without confirmation of the existence of its idea, so I won’t need to evaluate whatever the situation means to me. However I feel about this situation. And I get to keep equivalent distance from truth and illusions. It’s like a vaccine for whatever you guess right or wrong.


But it exists.


And I know.

To properly comment on something you don't intend to talk about

"I think you should......"

And there it is, the silent treatment.

Always the silent treatment, whenever I try to explain why your random comment is not making any sense.

#For archive reference please go to http://theinterpretor.blogspot.com/2009/09/blog-post.html

I hate it.

Especially when I'm trying to explain something.

It means that my argument is not even arguable,

as if I'm pouring my guts out trying to convince everyone that "the end is near" on the street, holding a sign, dirty and drunk, as paranoid as Rorschach.

In the end, my conclusion is,


I still mind a great deal about my soul.

To properly misuse a line

"If Heaven and Hell decides that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs"

So fire away, I'm waiting for all of the words.
They can't get to me. I won't be torn.
In a parallel universe, the blue bird hides.
There live consistent personalities.
And here I am, a shadow, a blob of friendliness.

My mind was

in plain sight
with no answers,


sure and clear,

yet courageless.



On that card,

"LOVE" was hollowed.



心智清明

卻沒有答案


心志清明

但不堅強


那張卡片上，

愛是挖空的。

To properly struggle through tragic communication

To properly tell the truth and eliminate disharmony.

To properly ignore embarrassment and keep on living.

To properly construct and win or lose a power play.

To properly start a war or end one.

To properly set up a negotiation and a fully loaded confrontation.


Bang. Bang. Bang.


I don't want to fxxked up the end games but I have already fxxked up all the way through.

It's too dark to see anything out there even 10 inches away.

I feel doomed.