To properly understand the things that others understand,

yet I have never been quite able to handle.

How to be an ordinary girl with ordinary reactions towards universal scenarios, for instance.

I can't help wondering, what did I do right this time?

For what it's worth, what did I do wrong last time?

Or have I ever done anything that would have made any difference in such aspects in my life?

For years I have only paid 50% of my attention to the things happening in this world, the reality, because I have to use the other half to create a buffer for the anxieties and fears happening inside. Therefore I can only afford to focus on remaining functional in reality, while failing to process other things.

I didn't really care, as a matter of fact.

Now I still have no idea whether I should start caring or not.

Not that I'm referring myself to Dr. Manhattan, of course.

He said that if you get used to describe irrational feelings with evasive words, one day you'd be unable to feel whatever that you are feeling just because there are no words for it.

Sometimes it's so true.

I cannot feel what I fail to define.

But how do you define something that you cannot feel?

And the anxiety of possibilities are just there to make things worse, crushing my stomach, weighing my shoulders like a haunting ghost.

It's like I'm living in a snowball, disconnected to the outside world, but it's not safe as the way it's supposed to be, because anyone could come and shake my world up side down, ruining my sense of security with paper snow flakes.

I fail to understand.


http://theinterpretor.blogspot.com/2011/01/blog-post.html